Warrior: Before Scientology

Warrior: Before Scientology®
ARS Literati $10,000 Challenge ---(Warrior)
Date: 19 Sep 1999 22:01:23 -0700

Note: The following essay is my opinion only and is subject to revision. Names have not been changed to protect anyone whether innocent or guilty. Send notification of any necessary corrections to: warrior@xenu.net .

Before Scientology
==================

One day in early 1974, while bicycling to work near the University of Texas, I noticed someone who appeared to be a former employee of the business I managed, walking along the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street about a hundred yards away. As I pedalled my bike south down Guadalupe Boulevard, I grew nearer to her.

Drawing still closer to her, I was surprised to see that the young lady was indeed someone I knew. Her name was Kathy, and it was obvious to me that something was very different about her. She was walking tall, her head held high, and she seemed to be full of pride as she exhibited a newly found air of self-confidence. I immediately became interested in learning whether anything new had been happening in her life and what she had been up to since the last time I'd seen her. Months before, I had received no notice or explanation as to why she had suddenly quit her job and then, according to her boyfriend Charles, had left town.

Her sudden absence on the job one day had caused me a major irritation when I had had to try to find a last-minute replacement due to her failure to show up for work. After working at the restaurant for several months, she had very abruptly quit. Her failure to show up at work had necessitated my having to personally fill in for her. As manager of the business, it was all too often the case that I had to unexpectedly fill in for a no-show. As the manager, I was the one responsible for ensuring there were a sufficient number of trained employees working every shift. And sometimes this could be really irritating.

I already worked 40-50 hours every week anyway, and I was working on my biology degree at UT, carrying 12-15 semester hours. Between juggling my course load and work, I played guitar and sang with my folk-rock band, Country Sun, and later Rainbow Bend, at many of the local clubs. We also spent time in a local recording studio on West Sixth Street completing our album. At 22 years of age, I had ambition, boundless energy and a great enthusiasm towards life. I was a busy young man actively pursuing my dreams -- a degree in biology and a career in music -- while working full-time to put myself through school and pay the rent.

It was with some upset that I approached Kathy. I had previously known her to be an unremarkable person. She seemed to always be "down" -- usually she was apathetic and lethargic. Previously she had always been really skinny -- perhaps 5'6" and weighing about 95 pounds. Now she had put on about 20 or 25 pounds since I'd last seen her approximately six months ago. I asked her what she had been up to. She replied that she had become a Scientologist and was now working on staff at the Austin Org. She told me her life had been going "great", that she had stopped using drugs, that she had "found something incredible" to help her with her life and that I should come in to the "org" for a free lecture and personality test. She very excitedly spoke about how wonderful Scientology was, while staring non-stop, straight into my eyes almost zombie-like...

My instincts told me that something was wrong... I couldn't shake the feeling that Kathy was not "herself". Yet, at the same time, I firmly believed that drugs were no good, so if something had helped her to become free from drugs, it _possibly_ was a good thing. Plus, I felt that her apparent newly found self-confidence was noteworthy. Certainly I had not felt that the Kathy I had known before was a very happy person. Previously, at the business, I had learned during my conversations with her that she had been in an unhappy relationship with her boyfriend. I recalled that there had also been the time I had received a telephone call from her pleading with me to bail her out of jail for her arrest for shoplifting from the convenience store next to the restaurant while she had been on her break from work.

Now she appeared to be a completely changed person, very different from before. And the changes in her personality seemed to be for the better, all except for those weird staring eyes...

Over the previous five or six years, I had heard some very negative things about Scientology. In my daily walks to classes at the University, I had frequently been approached by Scientology's "body routers" on "the drag" (as Guadalupe Blvd. is known to the locals); the "body routers" (those staff who work in Scientology's "Public Division - Division Six, or the "Distribution Divison", whose main goal is to get "raw meat" into the "org") were always trying to sell me _Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health_, or they were strongly urging me to accompany them back to the "org" to listen to a free lecture and to take the "Personality", or "Oxford Capacity Analysis" test.

I had been approached by so many Scientologists on "the drag" over the years that I would avoid them whenever I saw one coming my way. The one thing they all had in common was their robotic, zombie-like fixed stares with their eyes wide open; they all seemed like a bunch of fanatics who had been brainwashed. I had been warned by many of my friends and relatives that Scientology was a cult, that they brainwashed their members, that they engaged in black magic, that they were a dangerous group with weird practices, that once you got involved with them it was very hard to leave Scientology, that they would hound you endlessly, that all they wanted was your money, etc. I had heard all kinds of stories from many of my friends, and _none_ of them were good. In my mind and in my heart, I knew that if what I had heard was true, then Scientology was NOT for me. Besides, I thought, "What group that called themselves a 'church' would promise to help people only after the person paid lots of money?"

Up until that fateful day that I was to become re-acquainted with Kathy, I had always listened to my inner voice -- my instincts -- which told me that I should _avoid_ Scientology.

Yet, at the same time, here was Kathy, enthusiastically testifying as to how wonderful and effective she had found Scientology "technology" to be. And who was I to argue with her? She _seemed_ to be doing much better. And, just as importantly, she assured me that all the negative things I had heard about Scientology were "not true". It was all a bunch of "black PR" being forwarded by Scientology's enemies: the "press", the "government", the "international bankers", the "psychs", the "medicos", the "IRS", and other unnamed, evil "suppressives" in society. Maybe some warning bell should have gone off in my head, but it did not. Instead, I became interested in learning more.

Years later I was to realize how effectively my "buttons" had been pushed...

But at that moment in time, here was someone before me, so certain that she had found the ultimate truth -- *the* "road to total freedom" -- the "way out of the trap" -- a "workable technology" which promised a way to overcome one's problems, neuroses, personal limitations and "ruins" -- the promise of true happiness and immortality. She seemed to be so sincere in her beliefs, and it was obvious as she spoke that she was genuinely excited about her newfound group of like-minded friends at the "org".

There was that word again -- "org"... I wondered why she kept referring to this church as an "org"...

Now I have to tell you that I was never any fan of the IRS. And I wasn't too thrilled with certain aspects of our government. I didn't like my tax dollars being spent on war machines -- bombs, tanks, fighter jets, napalm, missles, gubs, etc. So when she spoke of government conspiracy theories, "black PR campaigns", the "world bankers", "rich and influential men in positions of power" behind the scenes, and the "psychs" who wanted to "suppress and dominate the world through the introduction of drugs into society", etc., I thought just _maybe_ it was all true...

Just maybe, I thought, there really was a tight-knit group of evil men conspiring against Scientology.

In my early years, I had been christened in the Central Christian Church by my parents. My father, until his untimely death at age twenty-two in a tragic automobile accident in which he literally burned to death, had for years been very active in the church, singing in the choir and participating regularly in many youth activities as a young man. He was a conscientious objector. During the Korean War, he had not needed to reveal his religious convictions since he had not been required to serve in the armed forces. He was married, and married men were not dratfed. He loved wildlife and being outdoors, and he pursued his love of nature by earning his living as a staff photographer for the Texas Game and Fish Commission. His employment there allowed him to travel around the state frequently to many parks, game preserves, recreation facilities and historical sites, and he frequently was able to take my mother and me camping along with him while on business trips.

My mother and father's influence, along with the teachings of the Christian church, taught me to love my neighbors, to not kill, and to treat others as one would like to be treated. I was sincerely horrified by man's inhumanity to man through the waging of wars. At eighteen, when faced with the legal requirement of having to register with the United States Selective Service System, I chose to register as a conscientious objector. This was 1969, and the Vietnam War was raging. My local draft board, after requiring that I complete a written questionnaire and submit to an in-person interview before the board members, were properly convinced of the sincerity of my opposition to serving in the armed forces due to my religious beliefs. I am certain that the Reverend Howe also contributed a great deal towards helping me secure a "1-0" status, which is a classification rarely granted to young men by their draft boards. A "1-0" is granted to persons who are opposed to serving in any capacity within the armed forces of the United States. In other words, I didn't want _any_ part of a group that I considered to be unjust and insane -- namely, I didn't want to be a part of a military organization -- a group whose purpose was to kill other living creatures -- children of God -- whom I'd never met and had no quarrel with.

As Kathy told me more about Scientology, I began thinking to myself that I had nothing to lose by going into the "org" and checking it out. I thought to myself... "I'm intelligent, so if it's all a scam, I'll realize it, and I'll just leave. But _if_ there is some increased awareness and ability for me to gain, or wisdom to be had, then I want to have it. I have nothing to lose and possibly lots to gain, and just maybe all the stories and rumors I've heard about Scientology are false after all..."

After getting the address of the "org" from Kathy, I told her that I'd better be going or I'd be late for my morning class. But I told her that I'd come on in to the "org" some time during the next day or two to see what it was all about. She was happy to hear it, saying that she looked forward to my coming in. We said our goodbyes...

The "org"
=========

A couple of days later I did go in to the "org" at 2804 Rio Grande Avenue. On the outside, the building looked much like many of the dormitories in the area -- not like a church at all. And except for the words "The Church of Scientology of Texas" on their sign, and the unusual-looking cross, there was nothing about the building that made me feel that I had entered a church. The sign _said_ "church", but I felt as if I had entered anything _but_ a church. In fact, I was acutely aware that this place was very unlike anywhere else I had ever been before.

Once inside, I was quickly greeted by the receptionist, who I informed that I had come to hear the "introductory lecture" that Kathy had told me about. She showed me to a pit-like circular sitting area with vinyl cushions on curved, wooden benches which formed a semi-circle facing a portable chalkboard. After telling me to have a seat, she informed me that someone would be with me shortly.

A few minutes later an older fellow appeared and introduced himself as Rick. I listened to his short lecture of perhaps fifteen minutes, during which time he explained about the "ARC triangle" and its importance to effective communication, while drawing symbols on the chalkboard to illustrate his points. He also talked about the mind, explaining with an authoritarian air that there were two parts: the "analytical" mind and the "reactive" mind. He went on to explain that the cause of mankind's problems, most illnesses, neuroses, psychoses, irrational behavior, failures, etc. were all due to the "reactive" mind, also called the "bank", which stored "engrams". He asserted that "engrams" were received by the individual during moments of pain and unconsciousness and that these "engrams" later affected the individual below his level of awareness, i.e., subconsciously. Showing me the book _Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health_, he said that it detailed the author L. Ron Hubbard's "research" into the mind, as well as the method of "handling" problems, illnesses, neuroses, etc. through the application of dianetic pro- cedures called "auditing". Rick explained that "auditing" could make a "well and happy being", that "auditing" was the most effective "technology of the mind" ever developed. And it had been "fully reasearched and developed" by L. Ron Hubbard into a "unique and highly workable science". This "most advanced technology of the human mind", he said, was "fully explained in Hubbard's book", which only cost $3.00.

I was full of questions. I asked, "Why haven't I ever heard of L. Ron Hubbard and his "science", dianetics, in any of my classes at the university?" After all, I had _some_ familiarity with psychology and psychologists as a result of my studies towards my degree I was working on at UT. Somewhere during one of my classes -- I don't know whether it had been in my biology, microbiology or zoology -- I _had_ heard of the term "engram", but my understanding of an engram had differed from the explanation given to me by Rick when explaining Hubbard's "science of the human mind". Rick explained that L. Ron Hubbard's developments were so far advanced that they had not yet been accepted by the psychiatric and scientfic communities. In fact, he said, Hubbard had come under attack by the "vested interests" -- the "psychs", the drug companies and the governments of the world -- all of whom wanted to keep dianetics from being accepted and broadly used by society. Rick explained that there was a "well-financed conspiracy" of a few very powerful and influential men -- "twelve international bankers" were behind it all -- that had funded the governments' campaigns to discredit and destroy Hubbard's dianetics and Scientology.

It was Hubbard's dianetic techniques, he asserted, that had made it possible for many victims of the US government's mind control experiments to be able to recall horrible crimes of having been kidnapped and subjected to the CIA's top-secret mind control projects. Covert operations involving the abduction of citizens -- almost always poor, single or black, since these individuals would not be as likely to be missed by anyone -- off the street at midnight, and the subsequent experimentation on them using LSD and other mind-altering substances, PDH (pain, drug and hypnosis), electric shock, and lobotomy had been practiced by the government on innocent and unwilling victims. This is how, Rick said, the "psychs", acting in concert with the government had conducted such secret experiments on people, and as a result, there had been a number of individuals who had absolutely no idea or ability to recall what had been done to them -- _until_, that is, some of them had received dianetic auditing after responding to an advertisement Hubbard had placed in the newspaper. And it was Hubbard's highly effective dianetic techniques that had been made it possible for these victims of the government's illegal kidnap-pings and brainwashing experiments to be able to recall the traumas they had been subjected to. This was why, Rick said, that various governments have been attacking and suppressing Hubbard's "science of mental health" ever since the early 1950s. Prior to the release of _Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health_, he said, there had never before been an "effective or workable technology" which had made it possible for individuals to "recall _and_ handle" their past incidents of pain and unconsciousness.

I was thoroughly intrigued and beginning to believe I had, by some fortune of good luck, come to the right place -- Scientology. Rick seemed to be a very sincere person, and he also seemed interested in giving me the answers I longed for. I was anxious to learn more about the procedures used in dianetic therapy. Rick suggested that I buy a copy of "book one" -- Scientologists' name for _Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health_, which had been first published in May 1950. He also told me that I should immediately start the "introductory course" called "The Communication Course"; he told me it would give me the answers I sought. And, it only cost $25.00! "Can you start now, or would an evening study schedule be better for you?", Rick asked. I told him that I would have to do it in the evenings, since my daytime hours were already taken up by my work and course schedules.

"Routing on"
============

I paid the $25.00 course fee and was "routed on" to (Hubbard lingo for "started") the "Hubbard Apprentice Scientologist Course". The "foundation org" consisted of the night-time and weekend staff. I was "body routed" to the "Hubbard Dianetics Foundation Academy" where I was enthusiastically welcomed by my soon-to-be course supervisor, SiSi Free. She explained the course schedule as well as the guidelines expected of all students.

I was acutely aware that the Scientology staff were all very unwilling to let me out of their sight. Nor was I permitted to wander alone inside the building. I was _always_ escorted ("body routed") everywhere I went. This struck me as very unusual, as it was an experience unlike anything I had ever witnessed before. The warning bells were going off in my head again... "What could it be?", I wondered to myself. "What could it be they don't want me to know?"...

I started my study of dianetics with the "Communication Course" nevertheless, but I couldn't get over my nagging thoughts which had me wondering what kind of group and organization I had gotten involved with... The people at the Scientology center all seemed to be _very_ interested in me -- to the point of obsession; true, they had listened attentively to everything I had said, without once interrupting me, and they had always given me answers to my questions. Still, I sensed that they were _very_ differently strange from any other group I had ever known, with their wide-open zombie-like eyes, always staring straight at me as they spoke or listened, looking as if they hadn't slept for a week...

My "reactive mind" kicks in
===========================

When I began to express my doubts about it all, my course supervisor very attentively listened to me, acknowledged me, and then assured me that my feelings were not at all uncommon. It was my "reactive mind" that was causing me to have such doubts, SiSi explained. She told me to "persist" in my studies and that soon I would "blow through this phenomenon" -- that "the way out is the way through" and "what turns it on will turn it off". Any doubts I was having were only caused by my "bank" (Scientology jargon for the evil "reactive mind") kicking in, and she assured me that my doubts would soon pass as I began to study and apply the "tech" to my life. I tentatively accepted her explanation, and I agreed to go along with her recommendation. Besides, she said that I really needed to complete the course in order to gain a full understanding of Hubbard's "tech". And the only way for me to understand Dianetics and Scientology was by completing the course. The answers to all my questions were in Hubbard's "tech" materials -- "source" writings.

During the next week or so, there were a couple of evenings I was unable to attend course due to unexpected situations which had come up at my job. These "unexcused course absences" on my part were "not OK" according to my course supervisor. She let me know in no uncertain terms that I was expected to attend course every night without exception. I, on the other hand, had my own life to live, and it was not possible to predict with certainty what would happen at work. I tried explaining this -- letting SiSi know I had prior and demanding obligations at work; as the manager, if I wanted to keep my job, it was necessary to give priority to _it_. This was vital for my own economic survival. I had been on my own, living away from home for the past five years. I couldn't put _anything_ ahead of my job. My boss depended upon me to take care of everything except the filing of the tax returns. I was the person is charge of hiring and training of employees. I made out the weekly work schedule, was in charge of inventory, made sure the business opened on time every day of the year except for Christmas (!), and I made sure it remained open until midnight Sundays through Thursdays, and until 2AM (after midnight) Friday and Saturday nights. I also checked the hours on everyone's time cards before preparing the payroll. If someone called in sick or was a no-show for any reason, I was the one responsible for getting a replacement. The daily cash register close-out was my responsibility too. I had about as much responsibility as I could handle, while still trying to keep my grades up.

Needless to say, I felt that SiSi was being very unreasonable with her demand that I adhere to the rigid course schedule. After all, I told her, students did the course at their own pace. It wasn't as if we were attending classes at the university where there were deadlines for registering. New enrollees started randomly. Some students completed their courses faster than others. It seemed to me that the "org" was a pretty laid-back setting. I felt entitled to do the course at my own speed. I was a pretty fast student anyway, but it just wasn't possible for me to guarantee I would attend each and every night, but I promised her I would complete the course as quickly as I possibly could. Now I was also beginning to wonder _why_ I was being pressured to complete so quickly, according to my view, in a very unreasonable fashion. My doubts were increasingly piling up...

At one point during my reading of a part of _DMSHM_, I was certain that Hubbard contradicted himself. He seemed to be saying that the brain was not the same thing as the mind. His claim was that "mental image pictures" were stored in the mind. And according to Hubbard, the brain was just some sort of "switchboard" -- a bunch of nerves -- that relayed information to the different parts of a person's body, but that it did not store "mental image pictures" or memories. This seemed to be an outrageous and stupid claim. I had been taught in my biology classes that man used his brain to store information. So who was Hubbard to claim that mental images were stored in the mind, which, according to Hubbard, was not part of a person's body.

I was VERY confused. I couldn't seem to grasp Hubbard's ideas. Did I have an "MU" ?? Hubbard's ideas seemed to be contradictory and outright foolish -- and if Hubbard's "science of the mind", dianetics, had as its foundation a premise that the "reactive mind" stored "engrams", and that these "engrams" could be cleared only through the application of dianetic "auditing", I could go no further in my studies without "clearing" the matter up. I had, after all, not only been warned by the supervisor not to go past anything I didn't understand, but I had even read Hubbard's warning at the very beginning of the course materials.

SiSi tried her best to find the cause of my confusion. "Was there a word you didn't fully understand?, she asked. "Yes", I said. "First Hubbard says that "engrams" are stored in the "reactive mind". And later on he says that the brain does not store information!" I continued, "What kind of nonsense is _that_?! It makes _no_ sense at all to me. He's contradicting himself..."

SiSi had me look up and "word clear" the definitions of "mind" and "brain" in a special little paperback glossary with a faded green cover. I noticed that it too was written by Hubbard. After looking up the definitions of both words, and doing little "demos" with my "demo kit", I got the idea that Hubbard had discovered that the mind existed as something seperate from the body, and that "facsimilies" ("mental image pictures") were recorded in one's mind. SiSi had me "demo" Hubbard's concept of the "mind", as compared to one's body (which included the brain), in relationship to the "thetan" -- Hubbard's redefinition of the "spiritual being" -- and "engram", etc. etc...

===

Hubbard gave this definition of an engram: "The engram is not a memory; it is a cellular trace of recordings impinged deeply into the very structure of the body itself."[1]

Elsewhere an "engram" is defined by Hubbard as "a mental image picture which is a recording of a time of physical pain and unconsciousness".[2]

According to Hubbard, the mind is composed of "pictures which have been made by experiences".[3] A mental image picture is defined by Hubbard to be a "facsimilie"[4], and a facsimilie is "any mental image picture that is unknowingly created and part of the time track"[5]; it is a "recording containing all physical perceptions, all effort, emotion and thought which a person experiences".[6] Hubbard says a "memory we call a facsimile". [7]

Hubbard said that the mind is "composed of energy which exists in space and which condenses down into masses". [8] In Hubbard's "science", the mind is presented as something completely seperate from the brain. The mind is said by Hubbard to exist outside of and seperate from a person's body! Memories (consisting of mental image pictures called facsimilies) are stored in a person's mind which exists in the space around a person. Of the brain, he said it is "a neuro-shock absorber; it has very little to do with thinking". [9]

So in one of his writings Hubbard said an engram is not a memory, but is a recording on a cell [1], and elsewhere he contradicts himself, saying an engram is "a mental image picture".[2] Now if an engram is a mental image picture (which is stored in the mind), how can an engram be a recording on a cell, if, as in Hubbard's "science", the body is seperate from the mind?

References: 1 _Dianetics: The Modern Science [sic] of Mental Health_ [sic], page 154.
2 HCOB 23 April 1969 "Dianetics - Basic Definitions".
3 Saint Hill Special Briefing Course tape 72 - "Dianetic Auditing and The Mind".
4 Professional Auditor's Bulletin 136.
5 HCOB 15 May 1963 "The Time Track and Engram Running By Chains - Bulletin 1".
6 Ability Magazine, Issue 114A.
7 _Scientology 8-80_, page 13.
8 Saint Hill Special Briefing Course tape 133 - "How and Why Auditing Works".
9 Saint Hill Special Briefing Course tape 75 - "Releases and Clears"

===

Eventually, after quite some time, during which I seemed to have gotten detoured off into an endless chain of looking up and "clearing" words, I "cognited" -- meaning, I understood (at least at that time I thought) -- that one's mind was not the same thing as one's brain.

A few days later I completed the "Comm Course", and after "routing" through (going to the "Examiner" in "Qual") and "attesting" to having studied and understood the required materials, I wrote the obligatory "success story". I had found Hubbard's ideas about the "cycle of communication" and "ARC" to be mildly interesting and useful. After writing my "wins" down in what was called a "success story", and then signing my name in agreement that it was "OK to publish" my "wins", I was "routed" back down to the reception area whereupon it was announced in front of _everyone_ that I had completed the course. _Everyone_ stood and smiled while they applauded me loudly.

How very strange, I thought...

It seemed that I was now a certified "Hubbard Apprentice Scientologist"...

Why wasn't I "VGIs"?
====================

No sooner had the applause stopped when I was congratulated by Rick DeWitt, the Director of Registration, who informed me in a "tone 40" kind of way, "Your next course is the Hubbard Qualified Scientologist Course! We'd like to get you 'routed on' to it right away."

"That's funny", I told him. "I didn't know I had even agreed to _do_ a 'next course'!"

And with that, I told him, "Thanks -- it has all been a mildly amusing experience, but I have to be going now..."

And I turned on my heels and walked straight out the front door, with the Assistant Guardian Danny Chadwell, and the HCO Executive Secretary (and "Dir Reg HFA") Rick DeWitt saying, "WAIT!!! Come back!!! Please come back!!!

Back in the "wog" world
=======================

Having left, I was now laughing at my ability to be "at cause" over two of the highest executives at the "org". They hadn't been able to use their "OT intentions" to get me to stay and re-sign onto the next course. I felt a great sense of relief as I walked south down the sidewalk along Rio Grande Avenue. I had gotten a taste of Scientology, and I hadn't been very impressed by the experience. I carried on with my life, throwing myself into my studies and looking for a new job after almost four years with the same company.

You see, my boss had just sold his business to a former partner, who told me that he was converting the restaurant to a fried chicken fast-food joint. I would have to take a pay cut if I wanted to stay on. I informed him of my intent: I was resigning, effective immediately.

It was now March of 1974; Kathy and I had been having a love affair for a couple of weeks. For all practical purposes she had moved in with me. She was keeping most of her belongings at my house on Park Boulevard, and she spent almost all of her time there when she wasn't working at the "org". But the Ethics Officer and Kathy's immediate senior told her that I was being a bad influence on her. It seems she had slept in one morning and had been late for work at the org. She told me that she was "PTS" to me, and that she had been given an ultimatum by her "terminals" at the "org" -- she had to disconnect from me, or she had to "recover" me. The "org" would not allow her to have a sexual relationship with a "wog" (non-Scientologist) like me. I let Kathy know that there was no way I was going to become a Scientologist in order to be able to continue my relationship with her. I asked her, "What kind of 'church' is this, and what business do they have to tell you who you can live with and who you cannot?!"

Next I was to learn that she had been assigned the "lower ethics condition" of "treason" by the "org" for having a relationship with me. After doing her "conditions formulas", she announced to me that she had no intention of leaving Scientology, and since I didn't wish to become a Scientologist, we could not stay together. Honestly, I had been willing to continue the rela- tionship with her, but she had not been willing. I had completely under-estimated the importance Scientology held for her. She moved out of my house sometime in the middle of March, around L. Ron Hubbard's birthday.

In early June that same year I was relaxing at home and watching television one Sunday afternoon when I unexpectedly received a phone call from Kathy. She told me she was three months pregnant and that she intended to have the baby. Naturally, I asked if she was certain whether I was the father of the child she was carrying. Her response was that I was indeed the father, and she wanted me to know that she would not be getting an abortion. (I hadn't asked her to get one in the first place.) It was out of the question for her to abort her baby. But, she assured me, she was not asking for me to marry her or to take any responsibility for our child. She said she had only called to let me know that I was going to be a father.

I was in a complete state of shock...

Sometime in late September or early October Kathy called again to let me know that she had been speaking with her parents. It was their wish, she said, that our child should have my last name. They didn't want their grandchild to be born to unmarried parents (I think the word "illegitimately" was used). So in order to please her parents, Kathy wanted to know whether I would marry her _only_ for the purposes of giving my last name to her baby.

After some conversations with her parents, who assured me they were not trying to trap me in a marriage, I consented. They assured me that they really did only want Kathy's child to have my last name. Further, Kathy said that she would never hold me responsible for child support, and that we could get a divorce just as soon as the baby was born. Her parents, she said, would pay for everything -- the doctor bills, the hospital bills and the cost of getting a divorce. And her parents would even put this all in writing as a way of assuring me that they were being straightforward and not trying to perform a "shotgun wedding".

In October, Kathy and I married in a five-minute ceremony before a justice of the peace at the county courthouse. We essentially said our "I do's" and left the building. There had been no guests, no best man, no maid of honor, etc., just the justice of the peace, Kathy and me. Then we said our goodbye to each other. When we left the courthouse, we left seperately -- she walked one direction down Guadalupe Blvd from the courthouse, and I walked the opposite way, dazed and wondering if I had just made one of the biggest mistakes of my life...

Over the next two months I began to realize that there was no way I could be a father to my child in name only. Deep down inside I had always known this. Coming from a broken home myself (my stepfather had abandoned my mother after nine years together), I knew that I had to be more than just a father in name to my child.

In December, Kathy delivered our baby at Brackenridge Hospital. When I held my son in my arms for the first time, I knew, more than ever, that I wanted to be a big part of his life. There was no way in the world I was not going to take responsibility for him, to share our life together, and for me to do my best to give him everything he would need emotionally, as well as financially.

I get "handled"
===============

By late February of 1975 I finally gave in to the Scientologists' phone calls I had been receiving. (My friends had warned me that it would be hard to get away from Scientology, and boy, were they ever right about that!) Various staff (including Kathy) had been contacting me in an attempt to "handle" and "salvage" me. They all kept insisting that I _must_ have some "misunderstood words" ("MUs") on the "Comm Course materials" and that I should "retread" the course. I agreed.

So there I was, back "on lines" again as a student at the "org". Everyone, it seemed, gave me a warm welcome upon my return, especially Jane Lambeth, a very stunningly beautiful lady staff member. She showed me Hubbard's "Bridge" or "grade chart", as it is called, and pointed out the "advanced levels of operating thetan". I was fascinated while listening to Jane as she described the "end phenomena" (promised abilities) to be gained from doing the "upper levels", also known as "advanced courses". Of course, I had no idea of the cost involved. But as I listened to her tell me of the incredible abilities to be gained -- like "full and knowing cause over matter, energy, space and time", and "ability to exteriorize at will", and "total recall of one's past" -- I was mesmerized. To support these claims of supernatural abilities, some of the staff told me that an "OT" staff member named Phyllis Sargent had been able to make the hands on a clock stop by the sheer intention of her thought. One staff member even claimed that Phyllis had been able to start the engine of her car without using her keys, and while standing _outside_ of it. I was promised that when I went "fully OT", I too would be able to perform such miracles. I would be able to instantly "be anywhere at will, completely free from the need to have a body, and with _full_ perceptions" of the physical universe. I would be able to "perceive the thoughts" of others, since "OTs" were able to see "mental image pictures". I would be able to do virtually anything I wanted, with no "stops", since I would no longer have a "bank" ("reactive mind") holding me back.

I must admit these claims sounded _incredible_ to me, but so many other staff swore that it was all true, and that they had even seen Phyllis demonstrate some very "OT" abilities right before their eyes. "Wow!", I said, utterly amazed... "Actual _witnesses_ to these supernatural events?"

"Yes", they asserted. "It was all true."

I wanted to have these abilities...

"Retreading" the "Comm Course"
==============================

This time, while doing the "course retread", the emphasis was put on redoing the "TRs" portion of the course. "TRs" are _said_ by Hubbard to be "exercises", or "training routines" designed to do many things. They are _said_ to help the student to be able "to be in present time, comfortably, with no attention on one's body"; to "help the student confront another person"; to "help the student with communication"; to "teach the student to be able to receive a communication from another", to "duplicate" (understand) communications; to "acknowledge" communications; to "handle originations" from others, and so forth.

By far, I spent the most time on "TR-0 Confront". On this "training routine" the student is required to sit across from another student (called a "twin") at a comfortable distance (about two feet) while "confronting" the other person. No movement is permitted on the part of either student. No twitching, flinching, speaking, blinking, or body movement of any kind is allowed. If the student does any of these things, he is promptly given a "flunk!" and told to re-start the "drill". When the student can do this drill "for some hours" without moving, blinking, etc., he is given a "pass", and can then go on to the next "training routine". It took me _days_ before I was able to do "TR-O" without blinking. I sat in my chair for hours and hours, with tears streaming down my cheeks, my eyes burning and itching. I kept on blinking as I fought to control the sensations. Each time I would blink, I was given a "flunk" by the the course supervisor, SiSi, and then I was told to "start" over again.

Eventually I was able to "pass" the "TR-0 Confront" drill. I remember to this day, the night I had been on the "retread" and was doing this "training routine". At breaktime, I walked outside with my twin to chat for awhile. Standing there facing Rio Grande Avenue, everything looked surreal. The trees and buildings were crystal clear and sharply in focus. Everything looked brighter and more alive somehow -- like it had never looked before. I recalled earlier how I had been told that by "persisting" long enough, that I would "key out from my bank", and that "what turns it on will turn it off", etc.

I believed I had "exteriorized" from my body and had "keyed out" from my "reactive mind". (Hubbard called this a "release" stage of "OT".) I also felt that I had been "at cause" over my body's "somatics" (sensations) since I had been able to do the "training routine" for over two hours without blinking. Now I was really beginning to believe that SiSi and the others had been right after all.

"Keyed out"
===========

On March 3, 1975 I was again announced as a "completion" to the standing ovation -- enthusiastic cheers and clapping -- of everyone in the "org". I was presented with my certificate, signed by SiSi Free, Donna Husak and Mary Parsley, certifying that I had completed the "Hubbard Apprentice Scientol-ogist Retread Course". I felt "keyed out" -- "blown away" -- and was very excited. Now I _wanted_ to do more courses -- all of them -- until I was a "Full OT". I was determined to "blow through" ("handle") any "stops" or "barriers" necessary to achieve this goal on my "Road to Total Freedom"...

I was "routed" to the "reg" (Scientology lingo for "registrar", or one whose job is to _sell_ services to the "public"). I didn't know it at the time, but I was on the "re-sign line". Everyone who completes a service in a Scientol-ogy "org" is _always_ supposed to be _immediately_ signed up for his or her next service. Anyone who balks at this "handling" is sent to the "Qualifica-tions Division" and/or to "Ethics", in order to be "handled".

But as I said, it wasn't necessary to "enlighten" me further. I was already "reaching" (expressing a desire) for another course. The "reg" told me that I should purchase the "Academy Levels 0 - IV Package", as well as 25 hours of "dianetic auditing", for several thousands of dollars. I would even be given a _discount_ if I prepaid for the "package" in advance.

"Spiritual immortality" for a hefty price
=========================================

After explaining to the "reg" that I didn't _have_ thousands of dollars, he began to ask me lots of questions designed to find out how I _could_ get the necessary funds. "Do you have any savings accounts? Stocks or bonds? Life insurance fund? Anything of value I could sell, such as a coin collection, my house, a car...?"

I told him I did not and explained that it would take me a very long time to earn enough money to be able to pay for the recommended "package". Still, I was "reaching", and I'm quite sure that the "reg" knew this. He then asked me about my parents and relatives. "Would any of them loan you the funds?" he asked. I told him of a couple of well-off uncles on my mother's side of the family. And, I said, "I am an only grandchild to my father's parents. I'll ask them all if they will lend me the money."

The next day, I went into the "org" to see the "registrar". Sadly, I informed him that _no one_ in my entire family would lend me any money. In fact, most of my relatives, particularly my uncle, Henry, had _strongly_ warned me to "stay away from that cult". Being such a "gung-ho" member, I didn't listen to him. He grew increasingly upset, and begged and pleaded with me to listen to him. Still, I was determined to get my "bridge" _somehow_. I had no other possible resources available to ask. It seemed that I would be unable to buy my "auditing and training package".

The "registrar's" response was that there _was_ a way for me to "go up the bridge" even though I had no money at that time. I could simply join staff and earn my "bridge"! And, there were "many benefits" to working on staff, he explained. I would be closer to "source"; I would be "connected up to a power flow" and "helping to create a saner world"; I would get "valuable experience as a staff member"; I wouldn't be working in the "wog world", which was "full of out-ethics, suppression. PTSness, counter intentionedness, other-inten-tionedness, and off-purpose individuals"; _and_ and I would be "eligible to receive my 'bridge' at _half-price_" since I would be a staff member!

How much ~would~ I earn?
========================

The only option left for me seemed to be to join staff. I wanted to go "up the Bridge" badly. I wanted to "go OT". I wondered how much I would be paid weekly if I was to go on staff at the "org". This was a serious concern for me because I now had a son who was a few months old. I couldn't commit to any job without knowing how much I could expect to earn.

I never did get a straight answer to my very straightforward question. The recruiter spoke all around the issue of staff pay, never once giving me the truth. All I could manage to get out of him was something like this:

"Pay is based upon a unit system. Each post has a certain amount of units assigned to it. For example, the division heads earn more than the department heads. As you work your way up the 'org board', your pay will increase proportionally. There are also units given for courses completed, e.g., a 'fully hatted' staff member receives more than an 'apprentice' or 'intern'. Right now the 'org' is expanding, and we soon expect to have a 'booming gross income'. Sign on and help us with this vital task....(blah blah blah)..."

In other words, _all_ I got was a bunch of "Q&A". In Scienospeak, this means that I got a _non-answer_. What I _did_ get for an "answer" was a whole bunch of verbiage and verbosity which spoke all around the issue, but never spoke directly to the question at hand.

I did however sign a limited duration contract. At that time, generally speaking, most staff were contracted to the "org" through either a two and one-half or a five-year staff contract. I would sign neither without knowing how much pay I could expect. So I felt, quite logically in my opinion, that the best thing to do was to sign a "weekly contract". At least I could work for a week. That way, I figured, I would find out what the level of pay would be. And, if at the end of one week's time, the pay was sufficient for me to be able to fulfill my financial obligations _and_ to pay some towards my "bridge", then I would renew my contract on a weekly basis. The recruiter had given me this option, so I took it. Besides, it _seemed_ to be the only option left, _if_ I wanted to be on staff.

The "Clear America Crusade"
===========================

On March 13th, 1975, there was an "LRH Birthday Party" at a local auditorium. All Scientologists were told that this event was "of vital importance", and their attendance was mandatory. The "Clear America Crusade" was in full gear, in accordance with Aides Order 467-1 of 21 February 1974. The program, an LRH or "Command Intention" program, had been issued by Scientology management in alignment with Hubbard's orders. The purpose of the "crusade" was to "boom" Scientology in the United States. Every Scientologist had been given an order to get in a new Scientologist. At the event, many of the the top brass were present in their full Sea Org regalia, complete with lanyards, service bars, officer's caps and well-polished shoes. There was even a band named "Sea" that played at the event. This was the first time I had ever met any Sea Org members. I completed a survey or questionnaire at the event, as did everyone who attended.

In October 1975, I was to meet a Sea Org recruiter from Los Angeles' American Saint Hill Organization -- one of the "advanced orgs" in the hierarchy of Scientology. His name was Steven Grant. He was on a Sea Org recruitment mission, with "mission orders" and a "quota" to bring back to ASHO a number of new Sea Org staff, and he had been given _my_ name as a "prospect who had expressed an interest" in joining the Sea Org.

He introduced himself and said he'd like to have a word with me. In no time at all, he was discussing various conspiracy theories and brainwashing. He had with him a copy of a book entitled _None Dare Call It Conspiracy_ by Gary Allen. He explained that there was a "war" on. It was a race against the "SP" ("suppressive") elements in society -- the "twelve international bankers" who were the "secret and powerful men who controlled the world through their influence in government" -- and the Sea Org. The Sea Org Recruiter showed me "data" in the book which "revealed" that these twelve men were part of a "government conspiracy to control and rule the world". They accomplished this through their positions of influence on the "Council on Foreign Relations", according to the book. And Scientology's Mission was to "Clear the planet" before the "suppressives" could turn it into a slave society where everyone was controlled by a one-world dictatorial government. The "psychs" were also part of the plan, and "psych drugs" were a means to controlling the world's populace.

I was interested, and I recalled that earlier in the year (February 27th 1975) I had purchased a booklet entitled _Brain-washing: A Synthesis of the Russian Textbook on Psychopolitics_. It defines psychopolitics as "the art and science of asserting and maintaining dominion over the thoughts and loyalties of individuals, and masses, and the effecting of the conquest of enemy nations through 'mental healing'." My copy of this booklet had been sold to me by the Austin Org. The back cover states that the book is "published as a public service by the Church [sic] of Scientology The American Saint Hill Organization, 2723 West Temple Street, Los Angeles, California 90026".

"The Sea Org's mission", Steve stated emphatically, "was to put ethics in on the planet" and "to Clear enough people in time" to divert the otherwise certain disaster in which a tyrannical government would rule the world. Steve cautioned that there were already warning signs of a 1984, Big Brother-like state creeping into society in the US. And it was the Germans and the Communists who were behind the drug companies, by funding them and promoting drugs. They wanted to wipe out our democratic form of government. This was being accomplished, he said, by the "psychs" who were "pushing drugs" into our society by targetting the younger generation. Their intention was to create a society of "unthinking slaves" who were "dependent on drugs". He expained further that if individuals are dependent on drugs, they are "more easily controlled", and their "awareness is decreased". According to information gathered by Scientology's Guardian Office Intelligence Bureau, "the drug companies and the government" were also "waging an extensive, well-financed propaganda campaign for the purpose of discrediting Scientology and its founder, L. Ron Hubbard".

Steve asserted that if enough people were "cleared" soon enough, and if enough "OTs joined together" in a well-organized effort, possibly the planet could be saved from certain disaster. "But time is running out", Steve said.

The Sea Org
===========

I signed my Sea Org contract, and I immediately drove to Los Angeles and reported for "active duty" at the American Saint Hill Organization (ASHO). On the way to LA, I took along my wife and our son. Also with me was a Narconon® New Orleans staff member who had been ordered to a "Committee of Evidence" (trial) at Scientology's Flag Operations Liaison Center for the Western United States ("FOLO WUS"). He "nattered" up a storm (engaged in "negative chatter") about Scientology all the way from Austin to El Paso (600 miles). It is a wonder I ever made it that far. Several times I almost turned around to go back to Austin. Again I was wondering what I had gotten myself into... But I reasoned that my "reactive mind was kicking in" again, so I just kept on driving, determined to meet my target of reporting to ASHO by 2PM Thursday.

The first night after leaving Austin I drove all the way across Texas, some 600 miles. Exhausted and tired from the long, hot drive, I stopped at the Narconon El Paso to spend the night there and to rest. I was to meet Jerry Whitfield, a US Guardian Office staff member who worked at Narconon El Paso. The Narconon New Orleans staff member who had accompanied me and my family to El Paso decided he was not going to report to the "Committee of Evidence" which had been "called and convened" on him in LA. He stayed behind when I left El Paso to drive the remaining 800+ miles to LA.

Upon my arrival in LA to ASHO, I was extremely disgusted by the fact that there had been no preparations made for us. I had been promised by the recruiter that there would be a room ready for us at the Hollywood Inn at 6724 Hollywood Blvd. There was not any such room. The HCO Area Secretary for ASHO, Jack Dirmann told me over the phone, when I called the "org" from a gas station on Vermont Avenue, to go over to the "Cadet Org" on Melrose Avenue. When I arrived there I was _horrified_ by the filthy, degraded conditions the children of Sea Org members were living in. It wasn't anything like I had been told. There wasn't anyone in sight in the lobby of the Cadet Org, and a few infants were crawling around alone, unattended, on the filthy tile floor, crying, and in need of having their diapers changed. The whole room stunk.

I almost turned around and went back to Austin right then and there, but I was too tired to want to do anything but crash out on a bed somewhere. After learning there was "no room at the Cadet Org" for my family, I was told to drive over to ASHO on West Temple Street. I did. From there I was escorted across town to the Hollywood Inn where I waited while some EPFers (new recruits who were doing their basic Sea Org training program under the Estates Project Force) removed Tony Cifarelli's belongings from his "berthing space" (room) and placed them in a dorm with some other male SO members. The rationale was that Tony didn't need a room all to himself since his wife, Patty, was away at the Guardian Office World Wide (in England) for finance training.

If I had realized the extent to which the recruiter Steve Grant had lied to me to get me to sign a Sea Org contract, it is very unlikely I would have ever gone to LA. He lied to me about every aspect of the Sea Organization's living conditions.

He lied about the facilities for child care. He had represented that there was a day care facility to look after my child, and that upon my arrival at ASHO, my child would be placed in a day care center while I worked, and a nanny would care for my child. This was false.

He lied about pay and bonuses that I would receive, saying that base pay was not all we received, but that we would get bonuses for good "production". At ASHO, bonuses were all but non-existent, except for the "regges" and "book sales staff" who received a percentage commission on their sales. What the recruiter also conveniently failed to tell me was that there would be _many_ weeks that we would receive _no_ pay whatsoever.

He lied to me about the food we would be served, and he even stated that every "mess" had its own "steward" to serve us. The food was actually very bland and boring most of the time. We had no posted "steward" for our mess. In reality the "stewards" were members of the "mess" we were assigned to. We all held the job of "steward" on a rotational basis for one week at a time. When our "stats" were down, especially the gross income, the staff were put on a diet of oatmeal, toast and skim milk for breakfast, and rice and beans for lunch and dinner. (Those staff who made income for Scientology -- the sacred "GI producers", or "regges" -- were able to eat at a restaurant or to buy their own groceries. They could buy meals at the food truck which came to ASHO three times daily, and they frequently did.

The recruiter lied to me about time off from post. I had been told I would be given time to pursue my interests in music, that I would be given weekends off, and that nighttimes were my own time. In reality, staff never got more than one day off per week. Usually it was half of a Saturday, every other week. When we were not on post we were ordered onto study or auditing during our two and one-half hours mandatory daily "enhancement time", as per the existing LRH order which was laid out in Aides Order 44-39R.

Steve lied about how much time I would be allowed to spend with my child. During the first two years in the Sea Org, I wasn't even allowed to live with my kid. Since Kathy wasn't allowed to "activate" her Sea Org contract, our child was not allowed to be in the Cadet Org. (Kathy wasn't allowed on staff. This was only revealed to us _after_ we had signed our Sea Org contracts and had driven 1400+ miles to LA. Kathy was told she had a "psych history", and as such she was not qualified to be on staff.

The recruiter lied about berthing conditions. Since my wife was not allowed in the Sea Org, I had to live in a dorm at the 7th floor of the Hollywood Inn with eight other guys crammed into one room with only _one_ bathroom facility that we all shared. We all slept in bunkbeds stacked three levels high. My wife and son lived miles away on North Robinson Avenue in a house that they shared with Ray Peck (ASHO Fdn staff) and Ruthie Weissberg (ASHO Day staff) and her son David.

The room I lived in at the Hollywood Inn was small and smelly. It was only a place to sleep. I kind of felt like I had a slot on a shelf to park my weary bones before reporting back to duty a few hours later.

I was lied to over and over and over again through the almost eight years I was a Sea Org member. The above only deals with a few of the initial lies I was told in order to dupe me into signing a Sea Org contract.

By 1977 I had been in the Sea Org for 2 years. My wife at that time was still not a Sea Org member due to her "psych history". This determination by the Sea Org execs at ASHO Day was based upon the fact that she had been in the Beaumont Neurological Center for eleven days as a teenager. Her mother had erroneously attributed Kathy's lethargy to drug use and had had her put into the facility for observation and evaluation. The facility realized that her problem hypoglycemia and released her after completing it's observation, testing and evaluation. My wife had never received any drugs, shock therapy, or hypnosis during her brief stay in the neurological center.

The SO recruiter was aware of these facts when Kathy had signed her contract. Whether the SO other execs ever did bother to verify the information that had been given to them by my wife I am uncertain, but surely they *could* have checked out Kathy's "patient history". My wife did petition all the way to the Guardian World Wide Jane Kember, but ultimately her petition to be allowed to "activate" her SO contract was denied. Instead she was given an "eligibility" program to complete before she would be allowed to join the SO.

Due to the fact that my wife had not been allowed to be in the SO, we were not allowed to live together in Sea Org berthing. After a couple of years of being in the SO I grew tired of the separation from my family. It was very stressful since I almost never saw my wife and son. So I told the MAA that I wanted to leave the Sea Org because my "second dynamic" was suffering.

As a result of my wanting to leave the SO, I was ordered to a "Sec Check". What I got was the HCO WW Form 1 -- a _very_ long and exhaustive one. I didn't have any "overts" on the group, and the "sec check" didn't change the fact that my wife was _still_ not being allowed in the SO. So I still had the same problem of not being able to live with my wife and child.

Hubbard wrote in a policy letter called "Leaving and Leaves" that "People leave because of their own overts and withholds. That is the factual fact and the hardbound rule." So naturally, the "org" _had_ to find out what "terrible things I had done".

Forget about the fact that I had a "continuing PTP" (present time problem) of not being able to "mock up" a "2D". Forget about the fact that the policy on "institutional cases with psych history" was being mis-interpreted in Kathy's case. Hubbard said that those who want to leave have "overts and withholds".

I was also given an L1C ("List One Correction") and some other "handlings". But all in all, the whole ordeal didn't handle my desire to leave the SO. After all the "sec checking", I _still_ wanted to leave...

Yet, no one would accept my reason for wanting to leave. It was during this time I was told by the Supercargo ASHO Day, Midshipman Alan Prager that I was an "SP". The Personnel Enhancement Officer, Peggy Peden, told me I was a "psychotic". Other Sea Org staff execs told me that should I leave that I would "pull in" my death because I "knew" that I would be committing a huge "overt" by leaving "the most ethical group on the planet". I had been put in a "lower ethics condition" of "DOUBT". And having been placed in "DOUBT", I received *NO PAY* for 17 weeks, but I was *still* ordered to be on post (naturally), and I worked approximately 100 hours per week. I was beginning to really "cave in" completely...

One Friday I was headed back to the "org" from a trip downtown to the bank where my senior, Jim Chapman, and I had gone to pick up a cash order for the "org's" weekend expenses. Jim had a big "chopper". We were on the way back to ASHO. I was sitting on the rear of the seat while holding onto a big bag of money (about $20,000). We were headed westbound and had stopped for a red light at the intersection of Eighth and Alvarado. When the light turned green, Jim took off on his motorcycle without looking. I immediately glanced to my left to see a car heading towards us moving about 30 to 35 miles per hour. The light had been red for her since before she ever got to the intersection. At that instant I yelled, "Jim! Look out!"

It was too late. The car hit us on our left side...

Several things went through my head at that instant in time. I was sure that I was going to die. I took this accident as a sign that what the execs at ASHO had been telling me was true, and that I was "pulling in my motivator" (bad kharma). I decided that if I should survive, that I would make amends to every person I had ever harmed.

I am at a loss for words even now, in trying to describe the fear that ran through my mind at that time. I didn't want to die. I knew I still had a purpose to serve on this Earth. As the car struck Jim's bike, I was thrown about 20 feet away, landing head first on the pavement with no helmet on, in the middle of the street.

When I stood up, I was definitely in shock. I had blood all over myself from my head injury. I had landed head first, upside down! My glasses had been *pushed* into the eye socket of my right eye, cutting into my eye socket just above my eyeball. I was covered with blood all over. I thought I was dreaming at first. Then I realized I was alive! I couldn't believe it!

Scientologists say "If it's true for you, it's true." I had decided after this accident that I had better listen to what I had been told by so many staff at ASHO about what would happen to me if I tried to leave the Sea Org. I thought they MUST have been right -- after all, this horrible accident had nearly taken my life!

That's what made me stay in the Sea Org - fear... Fear that I would DIE if I tried to leave. That day in July 1977 had "validated" everything I had been told about what would happen to me if I tried to leave the SO. All of a sudden, I "knew" they had all been "right".

Over the next six years in the Sea Org, I was to see many horrible things done to others in the name of "ethics" and "justice". I saw many, many staff get assigned to the RPF because they were "evil", or in Scientology lingo, "Rock Slammers". I saw staff assigned "TREASON" for such "horrible" crimes as _jaywalking_. One ASHO Day staff member, Mark Hanson, was assigned "TREASON" for "letting" the FBI enter the Cedars Complex (as if he could have stopped them!) during their execution of a search warrant in their 1977 "raid" on Scientology.

I was to learn of staff who would do virtually _anything_ to cover up Scientology's crimes. Many staff I knew actively participated in "vetting" documents which implicated Hubbard in his control of the Scientology empire. I was to learn of instances of Scientology management lying to its own staff in order to create a rosy picture or to protect itself from legal authorities or other government agencies.

I was to come to see Scientology for what it truly is: a corrupt organization built on Hubbard's rantings, and a reflection of his bizarre, deceitful, power hungry, scizophrenic and paranoid personality.

After learning the hard way that Scientology is NOT what it represents itself to be, I know now what I wish I had known twenty-five years ago. I have had a glimpse into the inside of Scientology and it's Sea Organization, and I can say without a shadow of doubt, that Scientology is evil. This is not to say that all Sea Org members and Scientologists are evil.

Clearly they are not. In fact, very few are.

What they are is simply this: They are victims, victims of lies, just as many others have been. They are victims of one of the most elaborate money, power and control schemes known to man. The Scientology game is not about freedom or immortality or "OT" abilities. The game is only a slick con game with the promise of thses things. For the best way to enslave someone is to make them think they are already free -- that they have found "the road to truth" -- a "way out of the trap".

It is my belief that Hubbard's true nature is best revealed through his "Affirmations", his writings in which he stated "The whole of the law is to do what thou wilt" and "All men shall be my slaves." Elsewhere Hubbard wrote, "The end thoroughly justifies the means."

Obviously, Hubbard wanted to keep his past association with Aleister Crowley a secret. A look at the Armstrong cases will make that obvious. A comparison to the publicly available documents on Hubbard's life will clearly show a very different past than the one Hubbard's "official" biography tells.

Scientology is about CONTROLLING people. Hubbard himself admitted as much when he stated "The best way to control others is by lying to them." He knew this , and his organization CLEARLY demonstrates this mechanism. I saw a repeated pattern of deception practiced by Scientology's Sea Org and Guardian Office personnel for years. Now the Office of Special Affairs and other entities of Scientology are carrying on the lying tradition.

Hubbard's writings do offer glimpses into his deceitful nature. For example, he claimed to have developed dianetics, yet he never really makes it known to Scientologists where many of his ideas came from. The following is an example:

"Almost all the basic philosophy and certainly all the derivations of the master subject of dianetics were excluded here..."[1]

"Our technology has not been discovered by a group. True, if the group had not supported me in many ways I could not have discovered it either. But it remains that if in its formative stages it was not discovered by a group, then group efforts, one can safely assume, will not add to it or successfully alter it in the future." [...]

"We will not speculate here on why this was or how I came to rise above the bank. We are dealing only in facts and the above is a fact - the group left to its own devices would not have evolved Scientology but with wild dramatization of the bank called 'new ideas' would have wiped it out."[2]

Clearly, most of Hubbard's ideas came from others -- from "psychs", from Aleister Crowley, from such top-secret projects like the US government's "MK Ultra", "Project Artichoke", "Cointelpro", The Art of War, etc. Hubbard even stated that the test was whether something "worked". If the data worked, he kept it. If it did not work, he discarded it.

Here, Hubbard hints of his association with Crowley, and his practicing of black magic:

"Dianetics was an adventure into the dark realms of the secret to accumulate knowledge and to establish the truth." Hubbard admitted that "these commodities [knowledge and truth] have been owned by philosophy of either the esoteric or the monotony schools or had been used by the charlatan - with or without surplice - to lure and ensnare."[3]

Elsewhere Hubbard credits a variety of sources ranging from philosophers to politicians to "psychs" to military men:

"Acknowledgement is made to fifty-thousand years of thinking men without whose speculations and observations the creation and construction of Dianetics would not have been possible. Credit in particular is due to:

Anaxagoras Thomas Paine
Aristotle Thomas Jefferson
Socrates Rene Descartes
Plato James Clerk Maxwell
Euclid Charcot
Roger Bacon Herbert Spencer
Francis Bacon William James
Isaac Newton Sigmund Freud
van Leeuwenhoek Commander Thompson (MC) USN
Voltaire William A. White
Will Durant
Count Alfred Korzybski

and my instructors in atomic and molecular phenomena, mathematics and the humanities at George Washington University and Princeton"[4]

[...]

Obviously Hubbard got many of his ideas from psychiatry. But his use of new terminology helps to conceal the origins of Hubbard's ideas:

"As one researches in the field of psychiatric texts" [5]

Hubbard wrote in his OEC Volumes, that "What Scientology is, is for us to decide". Elsewhere he wrote:

"In the evolution of the science of dianetics there were several stages of classification until it finally became clear that the label on a pathological condition should only be whatever the auditor had to overcome to achieve cure."[6] ===

References:
1 Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health, copyright 1950 by L. Ron Hubbard, 21st paperback printing November 1978, Introduction, page xxx.
2 HCO Policy Letter of 7 February 1965 "Keeping Scientology Working", copyright 1965 by L. Ron Hubbard, pages 2 and 3.
3 Dianetics 55!, copyright 1974 by L. Ron Hubbard, tenth edition, forword page viii.
4 Science of Survival, copyright 1951 by L. Ron Hubbard, acknowledgements at the beginning of the book.
5 Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health, page 216.
6 Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health, page 217.

===

By keeping Scientologists in the dark concerning the origins of his Dianetics and Scientology, Hubbard was able to establish himself as source. Members are not allowed to read "entheta" materials; this includes psychiatric textbooks. And a Scientologist is not allowed to mix therapies.

Scientologists who even look outside of Scientology for answers are said to be "open minded", a type of "PTSness", since Hubbard's technology is promoted by him and his organizations as "THE road to truth" -- "THE most workable technology" on the planet.

All of Scientology was designed by Hubbard to control the members, their thoughts and to prevent members from looking for truth outside of Hubbard's "source tech". This is accomplished in many ways -- through the use of "ethics", through "lower conditions assignments", through "SP declares", through the use of "false data stripping", through "word clearing", through the redefinition of words, through the use of "sec checks", through the forbidding of "entheta" materials, through such practices as ordered disconnections, and through RPF assignments, and even through such extreme handlings as locking members up in isolation and drugging them.

I definitely believe that Scientology, particularly the so-called 'elite' group of the Sea Org, very effectively control the minds of its members. One of the primary means used to do so is through the use of lying. By getting a person to accept an incorrect premise (such as that "psychs are SP"), one can then more easily manipulate a person's behavior towards the "psychs".

In _The Handbook for Preclears_, Hubbard wrote that "the human mind is an observer, postulator, creator and storage place of knowledge." Anyone who has read _Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health_ is aware that Hubbard talks about "held down 7s". If a mind has a "held down 7" then every computation that follows will be incorrect. Hubbard knew that people could be controlled by lying to them. Just get a person to accept a few basic lies, and their behavior can be controlled.

Hubbard spoke of "indoctrination", which is a basic tool of brainwashing. The _American Heritage Dictionary_ defines brainwashing as:

"n. 1. intensive indoctrination , usually political, aimed at changing a person's basic convictions and attitudes and replacing them with a fixed and unquestioned set of beliefs."

That's what Scientology does so well - indoctrinate, or brainwash people into Hubbard's madness.

Warrior See http://www.entheta.org/entheta/1stpersn/warrior/